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I’m not one to throw the baby out with the bath water, so I must admit that I had some of my greatest wins in 2020! I also had challenges and low moments that made me reevaluate where I was anchoring my identity and self-concept. But, in 2020, just like all the years before and all the years to come, God is faithful and He promises beauty for ashes.
If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ve read about my marriage journey. It hasn’t been the fairytale that I imagined, by any means. It has been hard and has required daily work. However, the gratitude I have for how far we’ve come in the past three years is beyond my ability to articulate. The pride I feel when I look at James is proof that God’s grace is the real deal.
Right after the new year began, I received a text message from someone in my husband’s life. This text message stated they had “forgiven me.” They listed all the things they had forgiven me of. What?? My immediate response was to press my “block” button.
Although having a full-time career, a husband and a daughter is quite the full plate, none of those roles produce that level of fatigue! My habitual lack of pressing the pause button is a sure-fire way, however, to slam on the brakes of my constantly moving locomotion.
I have to be honest with you all: Being a newlywed (2 months shy of 2 years in) with not-so-fairytale beginnings that still impact my heart and self-concept as well as my husband's, transitioning out of single motherhood and learning how to blend as a family, still identifying trauma triggers that expose hairline fractures in my soul that have yet to heal and not having a familiar and safe outlet to retreat to is difficult!
Overcoming fears, of any kind, takes a decision. You have to decide to see the life past your fear and pursue that life with courage. When I found out I was pregnant, I was afraid. when I arrived at the junction of forgiveness and reconciliation, or forgiveness and good riddance in my marriage, I was afraid.
Each of us has our own love story. We have our own versions of a fairytale. Don't, I repeat don't, get caught up in the comparison game as that truly is the thief of joy. In the highs and lows of our relationship, leading into our marriage, I have always reflected on our first date.
As I look at 2018 on the horizon, my intention is to leave 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017 behind. I embrace the lessons they've taught me about myself, commitment in love, forgiveness, reconciliation, motherhood, wisdom, responsibility, business, strengths, weaknesses, joys and sorrow, but they are officially behind me.
Two weeks after we were married, my husband confided in our pastor that he believed he made a mistake in marrying me. The stress and overwhelm he was feeling was beyond his, then, ability to communicate with me directly. He, consequently, cancelled our “Before God” ceremony and disappeared for three weeks.
I’m tired. I have felt all out of tears many times, but this time, I knew what to do. I prayed and asked the Lord to help me navigate these waters of church, politics, community and friendships. Most importantly, I asked Him to realign those tensions with His truth. The word He gave me in response was: repair.